I started this blog to be more open about my life and my thoughts. I have pretty much failed at that. I wanted to write everyday. I have clearly failed at that. It's really hard going from a completely closed off person to a semi-open person. I don't really like to share my thoughts and feelings. I'm starting to think if maybe I change that, I'll somehow better myself. You could call me paranoid since a reason I don't like to share my thoughts is being I assume people are going to use it against me. I need to realize, because it HAS happened in the passed, it might not happen again. I really don't have much that can be used against me. What would people do anyways? Try to use my heartbreak against me? That's already killing me enough in my own brain. Which leads me to my thought of the day...
How terrible of a person am I that he feels the need to fuck me over? Am I so shitty I don't deserve to be civil with? If i did something wrong, I would really love to know what it was. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not a horrid human being. I felt I was doing a lot better with this, but then today, I guess I just don't fully understand. I gave myself to a person completely and it didn't turn out in my favor. I gave everything I had and it wasn't enough. My life stopped on a dime and my heart ripped out of my chest. I never knew the pain I felt was even possible for me. Did I care too much? Should I have stopped myself from falling in love? What kind of a life would that be? I feel so lost with everything now. I feel like my independence has been taken away from me, as odd as that sounds. I have to start a new life. My thoughts are jumbled and nothing really makes sense anymore.
Life is terrifying. You have to push through. No matter what happens. You have to fight your battles and wave your white flag when you know it's time. Things will change, things will get better...in time.
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