Age is just a number...25 is a strange number

I turned 25 yesterday. When you're little and think about where your life and where you will be when you're older. I never thought I'd be in the position I am today, but sometimes you just can't help where life takes you. I was really freaked out about turning 25. I had my quarter life crisis and I completely lost my mind.There was a lot going on in my life, and that didn't help me contain the crazy. I'm feeling a lot better now. I think all the changes that happened are for the better.

I was completely relaxed about my birthday celebration. Every year, I get incredibly stressed about it. I always fear that no one is going to show up or have any fun. This year, I just let it happen. When people asked who was going to be there, I simply said "I don't know." I wasn't worried about it at all. I was so happy to see the people I did see. I think it means a lot when people show up for your birthday. It shows you who your friends really are. There were a lot of us last night and it made me smile all night. There were some issues with dinner, but I didn't stress too much. Dinner took FOREVER and our waitress was pretty terrible. I didn't let it bother me too much. I'm never one to complain at a restaurant and I never want to be at a table that does complain, but when Staci wanted to say something, I didn't stop her.

I did what I set out to do on my birthday. I got to see great friends, play video games and have some adult beverages. The night ended how I wanted it to. It was one of the best birthdays I've had.

Vacation has commenced

My two weeks off work have officially started. It's lovely knowing I don't have to wake up every morning and go somewhere. I'm going to sleep in A LOT. I love sleep.

My vacation kicked off with St Patrick's day. I am a fan of this holiday. I'm proud of my Irish heritage. I went out to Dekalb to hang out with Fucker for the occasion. We were pretty lame in the start of the day, we took a nap. Eventually we busted out the Jameson and met up with some friends at the bar. From what I can remember it was a fabulous time. There were plenty of green beers, shots and fantastic people around. I'm still wondering why I thought it was a good idea to walk back to the house from the bar. We only made it about halfway. We made it about 10 feet before bitching about walking. I hope I didn't make a total ass of myself, but really, what does it matter? I get a little out of control sometimes. I don't remember going to bed, but drunk Loryn did plug my phone in, which makes me laugh. No matter what happens, my phone will always get charged overnight.

The drive home was not pleasant. My tire went flat on the highway and I had to sit there for awhile for my dad to come. I attempted to change the tire myself, which is difficult to do in a skirt. Just a few minutes after I had begun this, the HELP truck came by but was not so much help. Since I have aftermarket tires, I needed a special tool to take off the lugnuts. Well, this special tool was never returned to me from Discount Tire last month. I was going to be so proud of myself if I changed my own tire, but alas, I could not. Now I have to buy a new wheel and tire. I'm not exactly thrilled about this, but at least I don't have to do much driving before my next paycheck so I can blow hundreds of dollars on this.

Upcoming birthday

My birthday is in a few days and I always get super stressed about it. I always fear that no one else is going to care or show up. I don't really like my birthday, I just want my friends around to have a good time.I want to go out, have a good time and be surrounded by good people. I thought it was going to be a lot harder with everything that's been going on, but I've been strong. I know I'm going to have a good time. I have the people I love being around, all in one place. I think from now on, I'm not going to get stressed about my birthday and just enjoy it. I'm going to stop feeling old and embracing everything as it comes at me. at almost 25, it's time to start living again.

New arrivals!

A congratulations goes out to my friends Oli and Mendy for the lil bundle of joy this morning. Oliver John McIntosh II 6lb 14oz 20 inches

A weekend away...

A few weeks ago, I decided I needed to get away. Despite going to vegas soon, I'm looking to fill my time with as many activities as I can. I went to Grand Rapids Michigan and Kalamazoo this last weekend. It was fun for the most part. I really can't stand much electronic music anymore. That part of my life is gone for the most part. It's not something I will willingly play in my car when going anywhere. Sometimes, I do enjoy a night out at Smartbar, but it has to be on my own terms. Pete was spinning in public for the first time and I was there to support him. I spent most of the night by myself observing everything and I greatly enjoyed it. I'm not really a social person. I don't talk to strangers. I just do my thing. You'll often find me texting, which was in full effect that night. I had a few drinks in me and my fingers went wild. We went to an after hours party, to which I don't remember a whole lot. We left around 6am, it was way passed my bedtime at this point. I fell asleep in the car on the way home. I was surprised I did, but I was incredibly tired. The rest of the weekend wasn't so great. I had to endure even more music I didn't want to hear while sitting by myself at Pete's friends house. They were in their own little world, while I sat alone with the cat. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday night visiting a friend. Eventually I told him I'd like to go back to the house. He dropped me off and went back to hanging out. I threw on Animal House and went to bed. I wasn't thrilled about sitting around and listening to electronic music all weekend, I didn't think i would have to endure that much. Overall the trip was pretty decent. the drive wasn't horrible. I stopped at Redamak's on my way home for a delicious burger. When I got home, I relaxed and watched the Cubs game. I had a wonderful conversation with a very good friend for the rest of the night. I ordered things for vegas. I messed with my budget a bit this weekend, but you only live once!

Getting away is inevitable

My vacation is fast approaching. I've never before been able to take an entire two weeks off of work before. Not only am I taking off two weeks, I am actually GOING somewhere. Come March 23rd, I will be stepping onto a plane with one of my very good friends and flying off to Viva Las Vegas! 

We'll be spending five nights at the lovely Luxor hotel and seeing the fabulous Lady Gaga live at the MGM Grand. After everything that has been going on in my life, this vacation is something I NEED. Five days away to just be ridiculous and cause some trouble. It's been too long since I've been to that side of the country. I'll be able to look up and see the stars on a clear night. I imagine the next two weeks are going to be some of the best of my life. I have St Patrick's day with one of my best friends, my birthday and then vegas. I'm sure there will be something that goes wrong, because it wouldn't be my life if something didn't go wrong.. but i say BRING IT ON. My spirits cannot be crushed. I am GOING to have fun no matter what. I will be surround by great friends and good times. I was sad to find out that one of my other great friends can't join us on our trip.Not everything works out, but it's still going to be a great couple weeks off.

it is...what it is?

You think its a sickness, but its not a sickness. It sure feels like one. You're naseuous and dizzy.there's a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach.  You're lost. You feel like a part is missing, but medically speaking, you're whole. you dont want to go on, it feels like the end. you have to push through. this is life. you can't just stop it on a dime because of this. things will get hard, and then they will get better. you may think like it is the end, but in a way, it's just the beginning. you will breath again, you wont feel the sickness. you'll start your day with a smile and you'll even end it with one. dont dwell on the bad times, remember all the great times. you can always have more. tell yourself this isn't the end, but a whole new beginning. a new chapter. enjoy yourself.

Opening...

I started this blog to be more open about my life and my thoughts. I have pretty much failed at that. I wanted to write everyday. I have clearly failed at that. It's really hard going from a completely closed off person to a semi-open person. I don't really like to share my thoughts and feelings. I'm starting to think if maybe I change that, I'll somehow better myself. You could call me paranoid since a reason I don't like to share my thoughts is being I assume people are going to use it against me. I need to realize, because it HAS happened in the passed, it might not happen again. I really don't have much that can be used against me. What would people do anyways? Try to use my heartbreak against me? That's already killing me enough in my own brain. Which leads me to my thought of the day...

How terrible of a person am I that he feels the need to fuck me over? Am I so shitty I don't deserve to be civil with? If i did something wrong, I would really love to know what it was. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not a horrid human being. I felt I was doing a lot better with this, but then today, I guess I just don't fully understand. I gave myself to a person completely and it didn't turn out in my favor. I gave everything I had and it wasn't enough. My life stopped on a dime and my heart ripped out of my chest. I never knew the pain I felt was even possible for me. Did I care too much? Should I have stopped myself from falling in love? What kind of a life would that be? I feel so lost with everything now. I feel like my independence has been taken away from me, as odd as that sounds. I have to start a new life. My thoughts are jumbled and nothing really makes sense anymore.

Life is terrifying. You have to push through. No matter what happens. You have to fight your battles and wave your white flag when you know it's time. Things will change, things will get better...in time.

I woke up and thought it was all a horrible nightmare. I wanted to say "i love you" but then i realized it was real.

I miss you every day....

2.14.86 ~ 5.25.04

oh healthcare..where are you?

health care in america is such a fucking joke.

it's really starting to hit me since i just tried looking for a specific kind of doctor, but unfortunately my insurance doesn't cover that kind of treatment.

cancer now runs in my family. i have had 4 biopsies that i remember. unless obama's healthcare bill gets passed, i have no chance of ever finding out and following up if i have cancer or not. a 'pre existing condition' could be the death of me.

i can go to the doctor. i can get a biopsy. if anything needs to continue, i have to stop there..it's pre-existing and insurance wont pay for it. i'm already in enough debt because of medical issues.


i want to go to the doctor, but that's not really an option anymore...

Things I might want for xmas

Tommy asked me what i want for christmas, and honestly, there's not much I want... I guess there's a few 'little' things i want..it's nothing spectacular that i didnt plan on eventually getting myself...mainly cubs stuff i'd say lol

http://shop.mlb.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3925991

http://www.wrigleyvillesports.com/Chicago-Cubs-St-Patricks-Day-Banner-Flag

http://www.wrigleyvillesports.com/Chicago-Cubs-St-Patricks-Day-License-Plate-Frame

https://buy.garmin.com/shop/shop.do?cID=134&pID=30986

The necklace i really wanted isn't on the website any longer. it was a really pretty key necklace with a heart. i don't know why i liked it so much, but i saw it and just fell in love with it. it was actually a NICE piece of jewelry, i think it would be nice to have a NICE piece of jewelry. i guess that won't happen.

I can't think of anything else I would want to ask for. I also really want footie pj's, a heated blanket...i'm really not big on christmas....

I'll be missing you....

Its kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh)
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where Ill keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts big I just cant define (cant define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still cant believe youre gone (cant believe youre gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living youre life, after death

Everyone loves a quickie

i haven't updated in awhile. things are well for the most part. work is irritating me but that's no surprise. they're trying to change my hours which i am not happy with but trying to figure out a way around it. we'll see how it goes when my boss is back next week. i haven't had too much to say and i figured no one wanted to hear me babble about Tommy in another entry :P

but these are things i want to in the somewhat near future..

Looking back, unable to move on...

I've been thinking about her a lot lately. Of course she's always on my mind. I'm a Pisces, i need closure. That's something I'll never get. I should have been at the bed, she wouldn't have known I was there, but I would have known. I didn't get to say goodbye, I can't seem to get over she was supposed to come home that day. Everything happened so fast. We all were about to walk across the stage and receive our high school diplomas, we graduated together after everything that happened. Its one of the first big events in a person's life. She wasn't there for that, she didn't make it. Two moments of silence wasn't enough. Knowing she wouldn't be in the car leaving with us was killing all of us. So must history between kindergarten and then. So many life changing events, fun times and chaos. The only memories i can seem to remember from way back then are with her. We had so many secrets, spent so much time together. Loved, laughed, lived and argued. Such a tragic tale, and there wasn't a happy ending. She's on my mind everyday, but i can't bring myself to visit where she rests. Too hard, still.